Change of Heart
by casfics
Summary: Lily confronts Iain about his feelings for Sam. One-shot based around my take of this week's Ep9.


**Little idea for a one shot I had. This took forever and it's not my best but I had the idea and wanted to write it. Please review if you read!! Xx**

' _Sam_ , do you still have feelings for her?'

He feels the punch to his stomach. The words are there but they're stuck, unbudging. The air is still. Their faces, both still. One second, two seconds, three seconds passed. She can't be angry; his lack of response determines her next one.

'Then I guess that's my answer.' Her eyes fill with tears, she bites her lip and looks slightly upwards with a disbelieving shake of the head.

'No, I don't.' He finally replies, dropping his rucksack to the floor with a thud. As he takes a step towards her, she takes a step back. Something's changed in her eyes - it's bitterness tinged with regret. He's not known Lily long but he knows her well enough to know exactly how she feels.

'I saw the way you looked at her today.' She attempts a smile now, though there's no joy behind it. His forehead creases, so she continues. 'I recognised that look, because it was how you looked at me.'

His face falls again, lost in thought. He can't remember, can't bring to mind what she's talking about.

'And how's that?' He asks.

'I cannot possibly reenact it, but I can give you a few instances. When I treated you after the helicopter incident, when I was tutoring your sister, when I was on the ward and you thought I was asleep-'

He's laughing now, but it's a harsh sound.

Not even so much as giving her the courtesy of his full attention, he physically removes himself, throwing the basketball into the net in one quick throw. It comes into contact with the side panel of the ambulance bay noisily, before bouncing back on the concrete with force. The pain spreads. 'You just can't do it, can you?' Lily half sighs, half sobs, voice laden with pain. She's doing all the talking for them both, while he actively avoids her. Interestingly, he doesn't leave, which gives her the energy to continue on the off chance he's listening. 'This is exactly the problem. You value some ball game over sorting this- _this_ out!'

'There's nothing to sort.' His eyes meet hers, glaring.

'You're behaving like a child! Just listen to me!' She tries to plead, but it serves to rile him more.

' _You_ , Lily, are behaving like a child! The minute I get assigned a new colleague to work with, you throw a hissy fit. How's that work? How would you feel if I reacted like that over you with, say, David? I would be seen as controlling and manipulative, yet you can do it and I'm supposed to reassure you?' He shouts.

'Two completely incomparable situations. She is your ex. You are spending all this time with her. You've slept with her once before, how do I know that couldn't be rekindled?'

'Yeah, spending time with her and the others! Poker wouldn't have been your cup of tea, I thought I was doing you a favour!'

'You didn't want me there for a reason.' Her expression wobbles, insecurities exposed.

'Of course I- wait a minute, why am I even justifying myself? I've done nothing wrong!' He exclaims, face hardening again. He brings his forefinger and thumb close to her face. 'This little thing, here. It's called trust. Something you don't seem to have a lot of.'

'But I saw the way you-'

'You are delusional.' He concludes, giving a little shake of the head.

'Don't do that!' Her lip quivers. 'Projecting all this on me - that's unfair! It is a perfectly reasonable-'

'Nothing about this is reasonable Lily. D'you know what? I'm starting to think it's a good thing that Sam's come back. I don't want to be with someone who questions my every move. If you're doubting me so early on, then I can't imagine how you'd ever see a future in this relationship.'

She takes it in, dropping her eyes to the floor. 'I'm glad I filled the void for a few months.'

He's visibly exasperated by this, and it provokes him further. 'You accuse me of not listening, yet you don't! You either believe me or you don't, that's all there is to it.' He stands there helplessly before her. They both want hear that she does, so they can collapse in an embrace and drop the anger pretence.

She turns around and walks, cheeks burning with shame. It's as if her feet are detached from her body, stepping far too quickly. Her body can't keep up - her lungs are already beginning to heave.

'One last question.' He calls.

She turns and sees him as he is for the first time. Fatigue pooling in deep green eyes, care mixed in somewhere. His arms hanging limply by his sides, dejected posture, clean shaven but otherwise grubby. Concerned. So, she nods morosely, feeling closure looming like never before.

'What did you hope to gain from coming to see me here this evening?'

She breathes in steadily, feeling the cool wind against her skin. 'I just wanted some clarity and some reassurance.'

'And, did you get it?' He asks, scratching his head. The echoes his voice gives off the walls have become noticeable, eerie. She frowns. It's a silly question - of course she didn't, and he knows that. 'Yes and no. At least now I know where I stand - or where I don't.'

'I just wanted to know.' He says. 'I feel like there's nothing I could say that would change your mind.'

She sniffs. 'It was good.'

His throat squeezes, suddenly wishing he could go back and say things differently. It's so terribly final. She's slipping away, and it's his fault. 'Yeah, it was.'

-x-

She lets the tears fall over a bottle of expensive Cava. It was a Christmas present that had only been collecting dust in the cupboard, after all.

Not a big drinker, the alcohol has an effect on her from the first drop that passes over her lips. Loss was brutal, and the more she thinks, the more she feels sorrier and sorrier for all the ex-friends she's shunned when they were having a relationship crisis of their own. The hurt is maximised by the fact that he hadn't walked away, she had. Instead of feeling in control of the situation, she suddenly feels as if it couldn't be further out of reach.

-x-

He knows where to find her. She won't be out, it's too late for that. She sets herself an 8pm curfew, by which point she's stationary on the sofa if she's not running round the ED. She was on her way home anyway, which means she'll only be in one place. The sofa.

 _The_ sofa. Notorious for crying on. It might as well have been cursed. In the few short months he'd been Lily's boyfriend, he couldn't bring more than one instance to mind where anything positive came from being on it - the evening after their hearse escapade, where it felt a tiny by too immoral wrong to climb into bed and dirty the sheets they would sleep in. Even then, it wasn't his fondest memory. His thoughts quickly shifted back to her (though they never really drifted far). His one main focus was to get to her, and he was determined that nothing would stop him. He'd been careless of her feelings for too long. It was up to him to fix it all.

-x-

The doorbell. She hesitates for a second, before deciding whoever it is can wait.

Again. It persists. She wonders if it's urgent, but then settles that it can't be.

A key in the door, turning, and he's standing there.

'I would've waited, but...' He instantly begins to explain, hands flying up when he sees her alarmed expression. 'I figured you'd be doing something similar and might not exactly jump at the chance of seeing me.'

'I wouldn't have known it was you.' She points out quietly, picking a thread loose on the blanket. It catches on her nail and unravels, to which she gives a little despairing sigh at.

His eyes travel from the table to the sofa to her, clocking the bottle of wine and deciding his words afresh.

'I am a man of promises, as I have said. I keep my word, you have nothing to worry about.' He positions himself next to her on the sofa, leaving a respectable distance between them. The inches don't help the hostility which still, try ignore it as he might, puts a blanket over the air.

'But, I do get that's not enough.' He goes on carefully. 'It's circumstance that I have to be with her, and we are _friends_. Friends only. That aside, I came tonight so I could be with you - I even let myself in with the spare key I've got. I wanted to see you. I wanted to make sure you weren't sad, because the mere thought of that makes me feel sick.' He admits, looking down. 'This isn't how to end something. If we decide we're not right for each other, we settle it properly and not on terms like that. We were both behaving like scrapping kids out there.' She nods, taking his words in. Her fingers peel themselves off the wine glass and she pushes it slightly along the coffee table.

'I didn't mean what I said.' He takes her hand, expression torn. 'I wasn't even angry. I just wanted to kiss you.'

Lily swallows hard, but a lump the size of a tennis ball refuses to dislodge itself from the base of her throat.

'I was considering making a move when I called after you... in retrospect, that obviously would've been stupid. In the moment though, it felt right. I'm glad that didn't happen, because sex isn't a way to make up either. You deserve respect, and I want to give you it.'

The words are tumbling out now, and he knows he's hitting sore points from the way she's squeezing his hand. In the weeks gone by, they'd exchanged stories of previous partners, and Iain had remembered and utilised the example of "Brad", who gave her flowers and slept with her after every row they had.

She raises an eyebrow, communicating surprise. Perhaps she's surprised he takes note of things, he thinks. Maybe she imagined he'd be just like the others. From this conclusion, he's saddened - he didn't want to be seen in that light. Still, he hasn't finished. If his gestures can fix things, it's more than worth it to him to say whatever it takes.

'So, as not to fall into a trap of clichés, I've brought a horror movie and some chocolate. I would've brought wine, but again, alcohol causes hangovers.'

'And chocolate is healthy?' Lily speaks finally, a little smile gracing her lips.

He grins at this. 'So, can we put it behind us? I hope you see my rationale behind things. If it's any consolation, I've felt like the world's worst boyfriend for the past few hours.'

He puts her at ease, so she finds her voice at long last. 'I don't mean to seem insecure, I just wanted to know.'

'I know. I haven't been paying you enough attention lately, so you're not to blame for feeling the way you do. If you'll let me, I'll show you how much you mean to me tonight.' He blushes slightly.

She shuffles over and snuggles down between his arm and his chest, giving him an answer that doesn't require words.

'Film time then, gorgeous?' He asks.

'I'll be scared silly...' She whines, then catches his eye with a giggle. 'Okay, okay. Put it on.'

'Good thing you've got your knight in shining armour then.'

She rolls her eyes. 'Oh, to be sure of oneself.'

'Well, you'd know! You're the queen of it!' He smirks back.

Although Lily pretends to be annoyed, secretly, she's never felt more contented. An evening that could have gone terribly wrong, saved in the most unexpected of ways. As she watches him fiddle with the DVD player, she realises how lucky she really is.


End file.
